60 above - New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat. People in Upstate New York plant gardens.

50 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Upstate New York sunbathe.

40 above - Italian & English cars won't start. People in Upstate New York drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes. Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.

20 above - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, woolly hats. People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel shirt .

5 above - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Upstate NY have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

0 - People in Miami all die... Upstaters lick the flagpole.

20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Upstate New York get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Upstate NY are selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Upstate Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below - Mt. St. Helen's freezes. People in Upstate NY rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Upstaters get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Upstate NY complain about farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Upstate NY start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below - Hell freezes over. The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl!